


TO YOU, WHEREVER YOU MAY BE - to Bertholdt Hoover

by galateabellator



Category: Shingeki no Kyojin | Attack on Titan
Genre: Aftermath of Violence, Bittersweet, Bittersweet Ending, Death, Drama, F/M, Fanfiction, Love, Memoirs, Near Future, Romance, Sad, Sad Ending, Tears, Tragedy, Twins
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-08-26
Updated: 2018-08-26
Packaged: 2019-07-02 22:08:06
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death, Underage
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,779
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15805506
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/galateabellator/pseuds/galateabellator
Summary: The aftermath afterThe Last Wishfanfiction I wrote about Bertholdt and Romy.If you haven't read manga, please, don't read this.Romy wrote memoirs, so this is partially what she wrote about Bertholdt, after his parting.Prepare your tissues <3





	TO YOU, WHEREVER YOU MAY BE - to Bertholdt Hoover

**TO YOU, WHEREVER YOU MAY BE - dedicated to Bertholdt Hoover**  
**\- part of Romy's unpublished memoirs -**

_Warning: The memoirs include spoilers from manga. If you haven't read, don't read this oneshot._  

**To You, Wherever You May Be  
(from Rosemarie’s memoires, dedicated with love to Bertholdt Hoover  
 who should be remembered as more than Colossal Titan**

After all of this time… it still aches.

Thinking about you. Remembering you. Dreaming about you. 

And I dream about you quite often.

It’s usually a bittersweet dream, and I fight the tears in my eyes upon waking up. 

Especially in front of others. I have to fake that I am strong because others need to see me as strong. But, in truth, I am just a weakling. 

So… I have a confession, and I hope you won’t mind me saying this. I have to express it somehow and… although I am still not able to talk about it with people who surround me, I do feel the need to let it out somehow or I will choke on my sadness. Quite often, I deliberately dream about you because I miss you. Terribly so. No one, in their life, regardless of being good or bad… should face this kind of pain. 

Late at night… when the room gets all cold, and dark… I wish you could wrap your arms around me like you used to. I still remember your warmth. The tenderness of your skin. Your soft caresses. I remember the feeling of being safe… and feeling complete.

Often, I imagine you lying on young, soft grass, somewhere in the forests that we used to scout as cadets. I picture lying next to you, leaned on your cozy blue shirt. I feel the texture of your sweater against my cheek, and I listen to the sound of your beating heart. 

You are unaware that I look at you, lost in thoughts, but with peaceful expression on your handsome face… and with that distant, but clear look in your beautiful, green eyes… aimed at the bright, cloudless sky. The sweet scent of roses fills the vastness around us, and the wind plays with our hairs. 

I like to think that you are somewhere like that. I love to imagine that I will join you there some day. 

Are you aware that, If I focus hard enough, I can still recall your smell?

I know, my love, that I am probably deluding myself. Biologically, smell tends to fade away and completely disappear…  but I believe that I can still smell you. Yes, I am probably going mad. That feeling must be my own misconception, so unreal, but still, I desperately cling to it. For me, that last fragment of you…still exists, and it’s still there for me.

And, I don’t mean… it only happens when I hug our little ones, and smell you in their hairs. That is something entirely different. They both still smell like children, and have that sweet aroma that only kids have when they are small. They have something yours, but that is not what I am sensing. It’s an old remain of you. That is something old, still lurking somewhere deep inside of me. 

But I am also sensing your touch, that has never completely faded. Also, there’s that familiar softness of your lips on mine. That vibrancy that sometimes pulses on the top of my own lips. 

And it hasn’t gone because… I can’t let go of you. But, don’t be sad about it, my sweet love. It’s something I am mostly used to by now. 

With each passing day, I am convinced that… this emptiness will never go away. The time hasn’t healed my wounds. They are easier to live with, naturally, but they are still there, and I am struggling with nostalgia that I am trying to hide from Bertram and Ida.

Your children are growing up well. Bertram is going to be that serious, protective brother, while Ida looks up to him and relies on him, even at this early stadium of their childhood. They are both so like you… and so like me. 

And, although I am trying my best… I am very hesitant and very scared… no, I am terrified…  of raising them on my own. I was never planning on becoming a mother. I just didn’t feel like I was good at it, especially after Josiah has died in my arms when the Shiganshina fell. 

I am not pointing fingers, Bertholdt, I do understand all of your reasons, but… my brother still died in my arms when the Wall Maria fell. That heart attack was inevitable for a child that small.  
After that, I just… never believed that I would have children of my own. I believe you believed you wouldn’t either… but we are parents. 

Here I am… and there you are. On some kind of… the other side… and I am left alone, to take care of our little ones, and I am constantly anxious that I am doing wrong by them. I am afraid that I wouldn’t be able to protect them, or raise them well. But, I admit, I have help in this part.

Your family, from Libero, have been kind. You must have gotten that from them. It’s not what I expected, but… they were kind to me despite being an Eldian. They insisted that I take your last name, and they insisted that I bring the kids to Marley from time to time. For that, I am most grateful. 

At night, I often cry, because I imagine how… all of this would look different and how happy we could be if you could stay with us… for just a bit longer. I am sure you would be an amazing father. I see you, coming from our farm, our children running to you. You take them both, and raise them up, laughing with them. I see you sitting at the table for supper, and asking about my days in school. I tell you everything as I put additional portions of food for all of us. And, it’s a perfect night. 

But, your government, and your biology… and the whole set of events with my own people… just produced a different outcome. I have to accept it and… live with it. I still haven’t managed to do so, to be honest, but I am trying so hard. 

And, so does Armin. He still feels horrible about taking the Colossal Titan from you. I have tried to relieve him of that guilt, despite partially loathing him for it… but I understand him too.

After all, I loathed you too partially. You did kill my family. You did kill Marco. Who am I to judge Armin for devouring you, when he was ready to give up his life and sacrifice himself for others? I just can’t. I was his friend prior to becoming your lover… so I am probably too logical to allow my sentiments to take over and resent Armin for your death. 

Don’t hate him, Bert. He does his best to help me, for we are still friends, and… probably the most logical friends you could find. It’s just… strange, but he is good to me. 

You will be happy to know that he really loves Bertram and Ida. He often comes to play with them, and… he says that he will protect us for as long as he lives. He has about ten years or less before… well, before he shares your own fate.  

I am preparing myself for yet another loss to bear. It seems that everyone around me dies… a reason more for me to be so afraid for my children. But, Armin is trying to get some sense into me. 

He keeps telling me that I can’t stay like this forever. He points out that I am still young, still full of life, and that I can’t mourn forever. He says that you wouldn’t want me to. But, honestly… what can he know about what you would have wanted for me, or not? 

If we are being real, he is probably right, but… what if he is wrong instead? What if, some selfish part of you, and you could be selfish, my love… what if that part doesn’t want me to find someone else? What if… it’s my own selfish part that feels that way, and not you? I will admit. I am a mess. It hasn’t been the easiest year in my life. I am left with all of my insecurities, and left to live without you. It’s really hard sometimes.

That being said… I just don’t believe I would ever find anyone to love as much as I have loved you. I aim to make good people of our twins, I aspire to make them responsible, lovable, happy and modest. I am trying to teach them to honor the best parts of their father. 

For… with all of your flaws… you are still the best thing that has happened to me. I wish some parts of our story to might have happened differently… but in overall, I consider myself lucky. I got to have them as your legacy. Our legacy. So, I will make them good.

That much, I can promise. We will make you proud. 

I have a request, though. Keep an eye on us. I love to think that you are watching, and that you are influencing them on your part. And, if it’s not too much of me to ask… wait for me. Love… wait for me. 

It’s going to be a long life… with this solitude. But, at least, I have my children to love, and them to love me back. And that’s not a small thing. On the contrary. You have left me so much. You gave them life. You gave me a present no one else would be able to match, ever. I am grateful beyond measure for that too.  

Oh… dearest love of mine… how softly your fingers intertwine with the locks of your hair. How tender your touch is. How gentle your breath is. How strong your arms are. 

I feel you beside me right now. I feel shielded. Protected. Loved. 

The grass is so vividly green, the air is fresh, and the scent of roses is strong. The sky is clear, and all is well, my sweet, sweet Bertholdt. 

Breathe with relief, and smile softly for me. Let your emerald eyes gaze into infinity. We are going to be fine. I am always thinking about you… and I will love you until the day I die. 

Until then, sleep well. 

Forever yours,  
Rosemarie Sohner Hoover


End file.
